How the Doof Stole Christmas
by waffleman1314-AJ ThaPlatypus
Summary: Carl has a Christmas story for Major Monogram. A grouchy scientist, a hate for happiness, and one Christmas at jeopardy. (AJ with help of Killua).


**Hi! Killua helped a little with this. He suggested the idea, I wrote it. Here is my second Christmas one-shot of the year! Merry Christmas to all! -AJ ThaPlatypus**

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><p>It was early that Saturday morning when Major Monogram was so rudely awakened by a certain red-haired intern that was smiling over his bed. He sat up quickly and clutched his comforter in his hands. The intern smiled and sat down in a chair beside the bed.<p>

"Carl!" the Major exclaimed. "What are you doing in my house?"

"I thought you'd enjoy another story!" he said, holding up a book. The Major sighed and shook his head. "After all, it is the day before our agency Christmas party. I figured I'd read you something that puts you in the spirit."

"Is it as good as the other one?" the Major asked skeptically.

"I think it is," Carl nodded. He opened the book and sat back into the chair. "It's called _How the Doof Stole Christmas._"

"Carl, I question this title," the Major blinked.

"Do you want to hear the story or not?" Carl raised his eyebrows. Grumbling, the Major slunk down a little in his bedcovers and pulled out his secret agent teddy.

"Okay…"

"Alright," Carl said, clearing his throat. "_Inside a snowflake, like the one on your sleeve, there happened a story you must see to believe…_"

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><p>There was a small town full of people called Dans called Danville that was everything nice and happy. Christmas cheer filled the air every single December. The Dans lived wonderful lives and only had one thing to fear. A mountain loomed over the town, and its name was Mount Doofus. Up near the top of this mountain, up near the very tip top, lived an evil scientist whose frown yearned to place doom upon the Dans.<p>

This was the Doof. He stood just outside of his door, leaned over on a rock. His fingers tap-tapped the icy surface. A new coat of powdery snow had fallen that night, but it did not hide the bright, colorful lights of Danville. The Doof scowled a deep scowl. He hated the Dans. He hated their Christmas.

Some say it was a deep-seated hatred of being mocked or ostracized. Others considered that perhaps he had never been loved. The truth of the matter, though, was neither of these things. The Doof had a heart two sizes too small—which is technically impossible, but this is a story, so deal with it!—and it was thus incapable of loving the Dans and Christmas.

"I don't _hate_ Christmas!" the Doof put his hands on his hips and turned to gaze at the sky. "I _hate_ the Dans and their happiness. And more than anything, I detest what makes them happy. Thus if Christmas makes them happy, then I hate that it does this to them. As for the holiday itself, I'm really indifferent about it."

He turned his scowl back to the town at the bottom of the mountain. There would be singing and dancing. There would be cheering. The Doof hated it. All of it. Their happiness had to be stopped. But how to do it? He needed a plan to get rid of the Dans.

"If you don't stop rhyming, I will inator you," the Doof crossed his arms. He grumbled a little as he stared down at them. From his cave, his platypus, Perry, pranced out into the snow and gazed down the mountain with a smile. The Doof picked him up by the scruff of his neck and held Perry's face to his. "Do you see them down there, Perry?"

The platypus turned his head to look at the town. He blinked. Perry had no animosity for anything—not the Dans, not Christmas, not the Doof. Turning back to look at his master, he wagged his tail in a doglike fashion. Growling, the Doof locked eyes with Perry and pressed his nose to the mammal's bill.

"Tomorrow morning they will all wake up early to join hands and sing," the Doof griped. He groaned. "They'll make all sorts of noise with their fancy new toys. They'll sing happy songs, those Dan girls and Dan boys. Ugh, now I've started to rhyme!"

Perry swallowed. He did not care too much for his master's constant complaints. Each year it was the same. The Doof would sit up on Mount Doofus, hating the Dans. He would hate on their joys, on their laughter, on their smiles. The evil scientist would never stop his grieving. Perry cast the fourth wall a nervous, sad-eyed glance.

"I must take away their joy! I must stop Christmas from coming!" the Doof raged. He tossed Perry back towards his cave. The platypus hit the rock and fell down into a pile of snow. More fell on top of him. He sat up and shivered a moment. The Doof glared down at his pet. He grinned. The snow had fallen on Perry in such a way that he appeared to have a beard a moustache. "Ah, that's the trick!"

He walked over to Perry, picked him up once more by the scruff of his little neck, and he let out a loud bout of evil laughter. The platypus grimaced. Nothing good could come from a cackle like that. He frowned and watched his master's face light up with a cruel plan.

"I'll dress myself up like old Saint Nick!" the Doof told him. "It's foolproof! I will create a sleigh that will carry my very own, 'Steal Christmas-inator!' And I will make myself a good Santa suit, because…I have a lot of felt."

Looking back over his shoulder, he saw the immense pile of red and white felt that littered his cave floor. He sighed and frowned at Perry.

"Yeah…I think…I think I'll start with the inator and the sleigh first…" he mumbled. "Yeah…that's…not…uh…yeah."

Walking inside his cave, he dropped Perry on a small dog bed and rubbed his hands together. Before him lay the answer to his problem. While the Dans down in Danville were decking their halls and cooking their feasts, the Doof set about building his inator and sleigh. It was a long and tiresome process that took most of the day. When he was finished, he walked over to the bed where Perry was. The platypus was curled up and sleeping. He jerked him up out of the bed and held him to his face.

"While you've been napping, I've actually made some progress!" he snapped. Perry snorted sleepily and squinted in the direction of the sleigh. It was a brilliant shade of red, just as one would imagine Santa's sleigh, he supposed. In the back sat a box-like inator, prepared to strip the Dans' homes of Christmas cheer. "See, my inator is ready. Now for the suit."

Dropping Perry once more, the Doof turned to his enormous felt stash and cracked his knuckles. Out came the sewing machine and the white fluffy pillow stuffing. Perry cast his master a sleepy glare. The man was persistent. Perhaps even mad.

"I'm an _evil_ scientist, not a _mad_ scientist!" came the defensive response.

Perry observed the frantic sewing and stitching as the man pulled his Santa suit together. It was rough work, even rougher than a badly-made Fireside Girl's uniform. The seams were jagged, the cuffs were twisted. It matched the Doof's heart all too well. He slipped into his suit and posed before the mirror, humming as he looked for the missing piece. For a moment he was stumped, but then it hit him just like that.

"I'm missing a pointy little Santa Claus hat!" he snapped. It took him all of five minutes to scrap together what was left. As he placed the hat upon his head, he felt truly genius. "Those Dans have no idea what's coming! When they awaken Christmas morn, their tears will start running!"

The night was closing in, and the Doof did not want to miss his opportunity. He pushed the sleigh out to the doorstep of his cave and pulled out some binoculars. His eyes were on Saint Nick as he hopped from rooftop to rooftop. Another frown fell on his lips. Something else was missing. Something rather important.

"How could I have forgotten about the reindeer?" the Doof muttered. He looked around his cave and saw a fake deer's head on the floor. "I don't even know why I have this. But it should do the trick!"

As soon as Perry saw the deer, he knew it was too late. The Doof sawed off the antlers and tied them both to the poor platypus' head. Perry fell forward—he needed counterweight if he was to stand up. Frowning, the Doof took one antler off and sighed when he saw that Perry was still unable to lift his head without struggle. He then sawed off a little of the antler's top and the problem was solved.

"There!" the Doof placed his hands on his hips. "Now we can get about this scheme! I'm more than ready to make these little Dans of Danville scream!"

He then took a small rope and tied it around Perry's neck. The other end was wrapped tightly around the front rail of the sleigh. Brandishing a whip, he cracked it wildly in the air. Shaking a bit with fear of being whipped, Perry dashed forward, running down the mountainside. The sleigh quickly followed. It zipped down so fast that it zoomed over Perry's head and he was being dragged behind.

"What?" the Doof blinked. He looked behind himself to see Perry tumbling about in the snow. Grasping the rope in his hands, he yanked hard to bring Perry to the front of the sleigh once more. "You make a very lousy reindeer, Perry!"

The platypus struggled to stay ahead of the sleigh as they bounded down Mount Doofus. He was rather out of breath by the time they reached the town of Danville. Sitting down in the snow, he huffed and he puffed until he could sit up no longer. Falling forward in the snow, he was relieved by the coolness. The Doof rolled his eyes and aimed his inator at the front door of the first house.

"Now, to rid the outside of these houses of Christmas décor!" he cried. He held up a remote and pressed his thumb into the button. A green beam zapped the house and pulled all of the wreaths and garlands away. "Say good-bye to tinsel, mistletoe, red bows, and wreaths, now! No more jingle bells, candles, or gingerbread houses!"

Each house did he zap, with a snicker and a whoop, and it wasn't until the outside was done did swoop into the first home, with a house a mile long, to vacuum up the vermin that was the source of Danville cheer! He left nothing to spare—not the decorations nor the food. Even crumbs were picked up so the Dan mice had naught. And not one of them woke up! Fancy that, what a thought.

Kicking open the last house, the Doof felt his spirits lifting. If he couldn't be happy, they would have to mourn with him. The next morning would be wonderful, in its own grim way, to hear the wailing of the Dans from Mount Doofus Christmas Day. He aimed his hose at every decoration he could find, but was dismayed at least when it did not rid the home of the tree.

His machine had broken. This was no good at all. He would have to carry out this last decoration himself. Hoisting the tree up by the base, he started to walk through the house. Little did he know that one ornament had fallen off and rolled down the hallway. It stopped at the bedside of little Phinny Phan Dan. The boy woke up, stared down at the ornament, and picked it up in his small hands. He walked into the hall, where the Doof was holding the tree.

"Santa?" the boy peeped. The Doof stopped in his tracks. He hadn't expected any of the Dans to wake up. His inator had been silent, but carrying this tree was not. Biting his fingers, he peeked around the tree and smiled down at the little boy, who was holding up the ornament and staring up at him with big round eyes. "Why are you taking our Christmas tree?"

For a moment the Doof was stuck. He had no backup for such a question. Looking the tree up and down, he saw the lights strung around it. Taking one finger and tapping the light, he blinked innocently.

"This little light here," he said slowly, "it won't light up. I am going to whisk it away to my workshop and fix it up there; then I will bring it back down here for Christmas tomorrow!"

At this, the boy smiled, unaware that he had just been fooled. The Doof then got the boy a glass of water and sent Phinny Phan Dan back to bed. He hoped that nothing suspicious would come of such an encounter. Finally able to take the tree out of the house, he heaved it into his sleigh and shook the rope to rouse Perry.

"Take us back up Mount Doofus!" he demanded. The platypus frowned. The inator may have changed the size of the stolen Christmas items, but it had not changed the weight. Perry sighed and unwillingly started to trudge back up the mountain. The Doof cracked his whip and called for the monotreme to go faster. "Christmas is sooner than you think! Get us as close to our cave as possible!"

There was nothing else the platypus could do, so he ran with all of his might until he could run no more. As he panted at the top of Mount Doofus, the Doof hopped off of his sleigh and turned his eye towards Danville. The sun was just peeking over the horizon, and the Dans were coming out into the square. He grinned with delight as he waited to hear their misery.

"Now no one will have happiness!" the Doof cackled. "You'll see!"

But as he craned his neck to listen to the sorrow of the Dans, he was appalled to hear not crying, but _singing_ coming from the town. They had all joined hands and were singing to welcome Christmas to their humble homes. The Doof's lip quivered in anger. He didn't understand.

"How can they sing to welcome Christmas?!" he cried. "I have taken their decorations, their food, and their gifts! They have nothing! How can they be happy with nothing?"

It made him think. Perhaps happiness was not given to the Dans by the things they placed up on their homes. Perhaps it wasn't their feasts. Perhaps it wasn't even the gifts that waited for every young Dan underneath their trees. Perhaps Christmas came to bring joy without anything material at all. A single tear dripped out of the Doof's eye.

"They're happy because they have each other," the Doof frowned. And it was then that the most miraculous thing of all happened. As he realized the true spirit of happiness, the Doof's heart great two and a half sizes that day. A smile appeared on his face. "We still have time to redeem ourselves, Perry! To Danville!"

When he turned around to board his sleigh once more, he saw that it was slipping carelessly down the opposite side of the mountain towards a deep ravine. He gasped, seeing Perry claw at the ground to keep from falling with it. Grasping the rail of the sleigh, the Doof pulled with all of his might.

"I refuse to let it end this way!" he exclaimed. He then lifted the sleigh with the strength of twenty evil scientists. Perry dangled down in front of him. "We have Christmas to deliver! And this time around, you can ride next to me!"

He set down the sleigh, scooped the platypus up, and hopped on top. The force of their leap sent the sleigh down the mountain. It slipped right into the town and skidded to a stop in the center of the group of Dans. They looked up at the Doof with glassy eyes. He jumped off of his perch and landed in the snow with his arms in the air. Perry hopped down beside him.

"People of Danville!" he cried. "I am here to bring back your Christmas!"

With that, he snatched up the hose of his inator and he aimed it at the homes. When he pulled the reverse switch, the decorations came flying. The faces of the Dans lit up like candles, their fears of the Doof forgotten. It was then that little Phinny Phan Dan came up to the Doof and smiled his biggest smile up at him. The Doof picked him up and placed him on his shoulder.

"Merry Christmas, little Dan boy!" the Doof said cheerily.

"And God bless us, every one!" Phinny Phan Dan grinned.

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><p>"Wait, wait, wait…" the Major sat forward and frowned.<p>

"What?" Carl looked up from the book and blinked. He waited for the Major to say something before continuing. "Is something wrong, sir?"

"That's a line from Charles Dickens' _A Christmas Carol_," he said, blinking.

"I…I knew that," Carl chuckled.

"Carl, where did you get this story?" the Major crossed his arms. "It's oddly familiar."

"I accidentally took a creative writing course thinking it was a regular English course," the intern sighed. "This is what I have to turn in before break starts."

"Is copyright not a problem?" the Major rolled his eyes.

"So did you like it?" Carl raised his brow.

"Did you write that other story?" the Major suddenly posed.

"I'll take that as a yes," the intern mumbled.

"Carl, answer me," the Major squinted. "Did you write that other story that I heard earlier this year?"

"I'll see you tomorrow, Major," Carl said quickly. He stood up and walked out. He'd let the Major simmer down a bit. His confidence was still in his assignment. It would be an A. An A plus. He knew it.


End file.
